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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/26247538">A Sister's Heart</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/silasfinch/pseuds/silasfinch'>silasfinch</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>A Tender Heart [7]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Saving Hope (TV)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>F/F, Gen</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>In-Progress</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-09-02</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-09-13</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-06 02:33:26</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>2</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>8,120</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/26247538</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/silasfinch/pseuds/silasfinch</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Rebecca Friedman takes and stand and fights for a new definition of family.<br/>The Accidental Matchmaker <br/>Chapter II: Reinforcements</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Sydney Katz/Maggie Lin</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>A Tender Heart [7]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/821913</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>4</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>42</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. The Katz Ultimatum</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><ul class="associations">
      <li>For <a href="https://archiveofourown.org/users/AnnNette/gifts">AnnNette</a>, <a href="https://archiveofourown.org/users/0mniessence/gifts">0mniessence</a>.</li>



    </ul></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <em> I also believe that parents, if they love you, will hold you up safely, above their swirling waters, and sometimes that means you'll never know what they endured, and you may treat them unkindly, in a way you otherwise wouldn't." Mitch Abrom  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> Children of the same family, the same blood, with the same first associations and habits, have some means of enjoyment in their power, which no subsequent connections can supply. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> Jane Austen- On Siblings  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>"There will be no more children after this baby?." </p><p> </p><p>I resist the urge to rage at her mother's simplistic and judgement question. The surgery was technically difficult and dangerous. There was no guarantee that Rebecca would pull through, much less with a healthy fetus. Rebecca history and the position of the blockage makes the positive outcome far from a sure thing. However, the notion of interfering with the right of a woman to have children is a fraught and forbidden topic. The knowledge that such a move is life-saving will provide no comfort. The Katz family is particularly sensitive on the issue due to generations of miscarriages. </p><p> </p><p>"Yes, Mother, but there wasn't another choice. The cancer was spreading too far and fast. It was the only option for Becca and the baby. There will be no more terrible pain and constant visits in and out of a place like this, preparing for the baby at home." I sound like a junior lawyer facing losing an argument. </p><p> </p><p>"There are more than one way ot have terrible pain, Sydney Elaine." </p><p> </p><p>Before my mother can go on a rant about what I brought to the family, the door opens. In feet of excellent timing, Maggie enters the waiting room. She is taking the time to debrief us even though Billy could do this part easily. It's a mistake to lean into the friendly hand she places on my shoulder, but I still do it. The move on both our parts is subconscious and secular. Casual touches amongst friends is not a big deal, except for the way my soul responses. </p><p> </p><p>"Rebecca is in out of surgery and doing well. Recovery will take longer than everyone hoped because of the amount of blood loss and the extra time under anaesthetic. Samual, she is still pretty groggy but wants to see you as soon as possible. </p><p> </p><p>"of course, Doctor is she in much pain?" my brother in law agrees eagerly shaking when he asks the questions.  </p><p> </p><p>" Well she is recovering from major surgery and is still weak, but signs are good. She is demanding a family conference with <em> all  </em>members of the team Katz as soon as everything is stable. Should be another hour or so if you want to take a walk or something" Maggie advises him but taking everyone in the room. </p><p> </p><p>"I don't think this is a good idea..." I begin immediately. </p><p> </p><p>"I am not going to argue with a Katz woman in general but least of all when she is pregnant. I'll page you when she is comfortable, ready to go?" </p><p> </p><p>Samual looks so eager that I fear he will trip over his feet. My parents and I are sitting alone in the room; not a word passes between us. Mother is glaring at Maggie Lin as if she didn't save her younger daughter's life. Showing more bravery than me, Maggie smiles politely and leaves us to wait. Nobody will go home or to get a cup of coffee. The pressure of nearly losing Rebecca hangs too heavily in the room. </p><p> </p><p>***</p><p> </p><p>My sister is looking well. </p><p> </p><p>Of course, my perspective as a doctor is slightly different from the average persons. Technically Becca looks pale, sickly and in pain but that starting point is an improvement from where we were. Her monitors are beeping a steady and comforting rhythm. My hands itch to find the chart and read all the medical details. However, from the way Rivka glares at all of us, now wouldn't be the time to request a peak. Maggie is right; she is serious about this 'Family Conference' thing. From the way Billy Scott is hovering Becca badgers him into letting this happen sooner than he is strictly happy to allow. </p><p> </p><p>"You are looking well Rivka, and the baby is reacting well." I grin as we come closer to the bed. </p><p> </p><p>My parents crowd on the other side, keeping as far away from their other daughter is possible while still being polite. Her dad is fidgeting nervously with his glasses as he waits to hear what happens next. Maggie and Billy hover in the background, caught somewhere between medical supervision and moral support. I get my vision issues from him as well as my stubbornness. </p><p> </p><p>"The Katz family is an expert at emotional ultimatums. So here's mine. Moma and Dad, if you want to see me or your new grandchild again, you will accept Sydney in our lives." Rebecca says firmly without looking away from either of our parents. </p><p> </p><p>"Rivka!" for once my parents and I speak with one voice. </p><p> </p><p>"No!. Scripture tells us to honour family. There is a real medical scenario where I don't survive to see our son's first birthday. I won't let you throw away your daughter for something you've known for close to 20 years. Our faith and community demand many things from us; conditional love is not one of those things." </p><p> </p><p>"There is clear dictates against her life choices. Leviticus..." Fathers begin authoritatively. </p><p> </p><p>"Not even the most conservative Rabbi or Yeshiva can be 100% literalist. We make small exceptions for modern expectations daily, the mixing of cloths, working on the Sabbath. Some people make industries out of out reconciling scripture with everyday life. You turn away when Rabbi Silven bails out his son for literally interpreting disciplining his children with rods, even though you both taught and revere children. How about Goldberg's fondness for prositutes and illegal drugs? The money laundering Rabbis with fake kosher meats. Do you want a list of the people you have 'forgivn' ahead of Sydney?" Samual looks fully prepared to bring out a notepad.</p><p> </p><p>I have known Samual Friedman all of my life. He was one of our earliest playmates and a devoted student of the Talmud from an early age. However, he is quiet and reserved by nature, the perfect foil to my sister. This soliloquy is the most I've heard him speak in 20 years combined. My eyes remain fixed on the blood pressure monitor. </p><p> </p><p>   "Why is it inconceivable to find a narrative that includes Sydney. She is the one who sat with Becca when we lost all four babies and teaches me how to manage the symptoms of chemotherapy at midnight." Samual concludes his point with a stormy frown. </p><p> </p><p>I am too busy blinking away tears to see Maggie ducking into the room and adjusting Rebecca's drip, before gently advising us that she needs rest. Truthfully all of us need the break from the emotional tension in the space. </p><p> </p><p>***</p><p> </p><p>My parents and make a silent agreement to fake peace for Becca's sake. </p><p> </p><p>Of course, I would much prefer for the peace to be genuine, but my mother doesn't brandish concerns about evil eyes for anything. Rebbecca sentiment is noble, but there are too many stumbling blocks. Mainly, I am still gay, and they cannot reconcile that information within the routines of hospital and recovery it easier to put on a convincing front. Some activities pull us in different directions, which is also useful. I am the designated 'medical person' so I talk to every doctor that comes within three feet of Becca and the baby. </p><p> </p><p>"If Rebecca wants you here, then we won't go against her wishes. There are more important things to focus on right now. You shouldn't be putting your sister under such stress at a time like this Did you have to be so blantent with that other doctor?" Mother seethes grumpily. </p><p> </p><p>It takes me a second to find both the compromise and to recall what possible offence she could mean. Maggie's touch on my shoulder a few days ago feels like a distant if pleasant memory and not the sign of a coming apocalypse or societal downfall. I am in love with Maggie Lin, but there is no reason for my parents to comprehend that notion, we are nothing but professional with each other. </p><p> </p><p>"Maggie is my friend and colleague. There is no scandal to bring further shame to the Katz family. Lets focus on Becca getting beter." I insist while trying to keep my voice neutral. </p><p> </p><p>"You are a fool if you think that pretext is fooling anyone. Your sister was right about one thing, your circimstances are not new." my mother manages to avoid using the word affliction if barely. </p><p> </p><p>My parents will never go o,n the journey that Becca hopes for them. Every fibre of their beings ties itself to Orthodoxy. The loss of too many pregnancies and dreams draws them closer to traditions rather than further away. My expectations are for civility if noting else going forward.  </p><p> </p><p>***</p><p> </p><p>There are small signs of progress on all fronts. </p><p> </p><p>For one thing, our mother doesn't ignore my presence outside the hospital. We take turns preparing their house for Becca's return, especially when she will be weak for some time yet before going on to the maintenance doses of chemotherapy. Samual is firmly on my side in the matter so she can't protest too sharply in his hearing. Whatever, she is saying at Temple these periods at the hospital, and their house are something close to peaceful. I think everyone is still shell shocked by Samual's defence of me to dare question the status quo at the moment. My fear is living up the expectation that I can save this fifth baby for them and be worth all this drama and effort. </p><p> </p><p>Rebecca is getting better, but she is still far from well. In a land where keyhole surgery is the ideal Maggie was left with no choice to take the more radical option. It was the right call, but it is mean the recovery time is longer, and there is a higher risk of infection. While there is no doubt that the Katz family endures a rough few years, Becca's body and soul bore the brunt of the pain. The chemo regimen will need to start very slowly, and I'll find the highest of the high risk of obstetric practices for her in the coming weeks. </p><p> </p><p>"How are you feeling Mrs Freidman? Your vital signs look good today." Billy Scott asks cheerfully during rounds.</p><p> </p><p>"How's the baby doing, he only kicked 6 times this morning." Rebecca parries the question expertly for the tenth time. </p><p> </p><p>"Now we have gone over this before. It's our job to look after both you. A healthy mother means, by default, a happy baby. We need to know how you are feeling not only everything from the placenta onwards. Your little fighter is kicking at the same rate as yesterday and the day before. Remember we wrote that chart together?" Billy reminds Becca gently holding out the bit of paper in question. </p><p> </p><p>Rebecca knows all this information. Or at least she has me explain the fundamentals of fetal movement multiple times. Logically, activity is a major indicator of baby health. Still, it isn't an exact science, and there is natural variation how my future nephew will choose to interact with the world. Of course, she is likely to take the information from the young handsome surfer doctor than her sister. Maggie is leaning in the doorway, watching her unofficial protegee interact with his patient. While Billy Scott is leaping between services. He seems to find his way back to Maggie like a homing pigeon. Obstetrics is like that for people who have a true knack for the cause. You cannot fake the hope that enters the patient's eyes. </p><p> </p><p>I almost feel sorry for Jason Kalfas and his squandering of such a gift for an artificial high, addiction or not. </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>***</p><p>"Is Maggie engaged or married?" </p><p> </p><p>I blink at the randomness of Rebecca question. She will spend at least two more nights at Hope Zion before being discharged home for recovery. She is gaining strength every day, and the baby is growing well, showing no ill effects from the operation. I manage to negotiate a contract with Dawn King, which will make work life easier. To keep the peace, I usually take the night shift and visit Rebecca after work hours when their parents and Samual's head out to sleep. Samual Freidman will not leave the hospital unless Dr Sydney Katz is in the room. Honesty, Becca is stable and has excellent support, but I'm happy to act as a security blanket. </p><p> </p><p>"Not to the best of my knowledge. She spends far too much time in this place for any serious considerations." I say almost absently without looking up from the book. </p><p> </p><p>"You are a practically swooning over the woman whenever she is in the room. Why don't you ask her out or something then? Those calf eyes are ruining your super doctor image." Rebecca points out her voice dripping with sarcasm. </p><p> </p><p>"Oh no, its not like that in the slightest. She is one of my brightest students. I'm glad she was on call when you were in trouble." I am lying of course, but Maggie isn't a topic of conversation that I am comfortable having in these words. </p><p> </p><p>"You are still such a terrible lier for somebody that leads an extraordinary, secular life in a different land. She is your beshert or whatever the acceptable alternative for you is now. I am speaking as somehow has had the woman's hands in my abdoman reranging my vital organs and saving our child." Becca gestures for emphasis as she rearranges herself into a better position. </p><p> </p><p>"That's not even remotely what happed, except for baby part. Of course a good helping of Katz Stuborness can claim credit for that as welll." </p><p> </p><p>"Don't use medicine to detract from the main point here. Wow, it's that a guiding life philophipy for you." Rebecca muses almost absently. </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>***</p><p> </p><p>"Hershel has yet to marry or even approach the matchmaker." </p><p> </p><p>We are having this delightful mother and daughter bonding time at the local deli. Mom wants to stock up on all of Becca's favourite meals and give her idle hands something to do in the meantime. I don't have the heart to tell either of her parents that Becca is unlikely to have an appetite for most big meals. Food is one of her parents love languages. </p><p> </p><p>I try not to flinch at the name of my former fiancee; the episode still pains me but to the best of my knowledge. He is happy studying under the best scholars in the community. He won an award for a collection of essays. Of course, none of that changes that fact he is not a Katz Son in Law. We have the same conversation multiple times a month. There is still a heavy sense of shame with any failed match but particularly one that involves a complicated child. </p><p> </p><p>"Hershel is still young mum; he will reach the matchmaker when she is ready. There is no for him to hurry the process a second time. For him scholorship is a priority, its no different from when Becca and I went to collegue." I try to argue the point calmly, but frustration rises. </p><p> </p><p>"A good Rabbi needs a good wife, it's essential in fact. You broke his heart at just the wrong moment." my mother lectures for the 50th time. </p><p> </p><p>"He will find a wife soon enough mother. I am not that person for him. Suppose you are angry enough with me now. Consider what it would like for a hypothetical husband in the future? When we were raising children? Short and sharp pain is better than that level of emotional torture. No man <em> or  </em>marriages deserves such a fate. Does the pretense genually mean so much to you?" I ask in exasperation while judging meats on display. </p><p> </p><p>Predictably my mother walks away muttering about finding fresh flour for the Challah. The conflict is no way over, but there is little to feed the flames. Hershel refuses to say a word against me or the process and doesn't seek restitution of any kind. Matches dissolve for many reasons, and there are plenty of other scandals to divert attention. My parents would be a lot happier if they understood how little everybody else pays attention to scandals from years ago, even our world. There is a strong possibility that Hershel will not marry for years yet or find a lovely widow who needs support and steadfast devotion. </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>***</p><p>Rebecca is heading home, and her baby is strong and healthy at 16.5 weeks. </p><p> </p><p>While there is still a risk to both mother and child, they are in a far more medically stable place than before. If her team are happy with the current numbers, chemo can be on a reducing cycle until viability. The aggressive approach has them leaving the hospital early. </p><p> </p><p>"Well. You are ready to go Mrs Freidman. Summer Hill is expecting you for a follow-up appointment in 10 days. However, if you have any concerns, call the outpatient clinic line. Somebody will track me down. The OBYN crowd is a close one." Maggie instructs as she signs discharge papers. </p><p> </p><p>Technically speaking Maggie Lin shouldn't be my sister's doctor. However, our connection isn't stronger enough or formal to mitigate the emergency. She and Dr Scott make an excellent if unconventional team. If he wants Billy has a bright future in the field. He has the kind of easy charm nervous parents love.  </p><p> </p><p>"Thank you for all your help Dr Lin I can see why Sydney speaks so highly of you, with Dr Scott as your able assistant." Rebecca places a protective hand over her belly and smiles loving and slowing growing bump. </p><p> </p><p>"Did you consider the risk of..." I launch into a series of rapid-fire questions. </p><p> </p><p>Maggie looks like she is barely resisting the urge to laugh at me. Soon enough, she falls into the role of student, her answers a quick and concise, no extra details—Billy Scott chips in on the odd technical detail review. </p><p> </p><p>"Sydney you trained these people, they are not going to suddenly forget basic procedure because you aren't there every second. If Maggie says we will be fine, than we will." Becca interjects firmly from her wheelchair. </p><p>***</p><p>"Is this my fault, Sydney? Is the ayin <strong> <em> hara  </em> </strong>lie with me?" </p><p> </p><p>There is an entire industry dedicated to maximising medical communication. One of the golden rules is not letting patients or their families take the blame for quirks of genetics or anatomy. There are plenty of things I could say to my mother both as daughter and doctor, but none of them is what she wants to hear. For once I wish that our family Rabbi was here to debate theology and the finer points of scripture. </p><p> </p><p>"I lost your brothers and Becca will only have this child." mother explains unnecessarily. </p><p> </p><p>We are putting the finishing touches on the new ground floor bedroom where Becca and Samual will sleep. For at least the next week or so and during chemo but won't handle stairs easily. I insist they let me buy them a new mattress with good springs. My sisters' bones would ache enough without that added complication. Samual is so devoted to his role as a caregiver that he needs a comfortable place to rest. The room is small but serviceable. </p><p> </p><p>There is no point in telling her mother that her miscarriages were too early to determine the sex, let alone be sure that they are the longed-for sons. The extensive and expensive genetic testing after Becca's second miscarriage didn't reveal anything useful. There are too many factors that come into play when considering why fertility and pregnancies fail. </p><p> </p><p>"No, Moma. There is nothing that directly links the two scenarios. There is no evil eye on the family, only differences and sorrow. If I married Hershel tomorrow or three years ago and gave you 20 grandchildren, this would still be happening. No faith no matter how perfect can predict or protect the human condition. Our family is in part why I chose this feild of medicine, to unlock somebody elses answers." </p><p> </p><p>"I don't understand how you can exist in such different worlds, Sydney. Something has to give way under the pressure." mother sounds more hurt than angry. </p><p> </p><p>"Something already has mom, I lost you and everything that is dear to me." </p><p> </p><p>***</p><p>"Samual and I are attending the services at a new Synagogue. Will you come with us?" </p><p> </p><p>I am not overly successful in hiding my surprise at the news. Both Rebecca and Samual have gone to the same Temple all our lives. Every major milestone in the Jewish calendar for the Friedmans occurs between those four walls, hopes dreams and disappoints. Leaving such a community space and the teaching of a particular Rabbi is no small decision. Samual's great grandparents were something close to the founding members. Rebecca wouldn't say such a thing if her husband weren't in complete agreement. </p><p> </p><p>"Before you say anything about not needing to make the sacrifice on your behalf or whatever, this was Samual's idea. There is too much clinging to the old ways when our child needs modern intervention and alll the support in the world. Your supposed ayin <em> hara  </em>isn't the first of his clashes I wasn't lying about not wanting to lose a sister. We are not 17 anymore, not than shunning Neshema was right then either." Rebecca cuts off any future arguments. </p><p> </p><p>"But your friends and in laws? You need the connection at a time like this, Rivika. Having you speaking to me is more than I could hope for this side of the grave." I try to argue the point more tactfully. </p><p> </p><p>"Don't be melodramatic. I was serious about standing up for you, maybe at your wedding too. This whole gay thing hasn't altered your core too drastically. There is no rainbow hendism for you, I think." </p><p> </p><p>"Ok first off never use the words 'rainbow hedonism' ever again. Second, how did you go from barely speaking to me to planning my hypothetical non-wedding in less than a month? You still have a grudge against Jerry for dropping your favourite plate at 14." </p><p> </p><p>"About the time, I realised that I could die without telling you that we are still sisters, no matter how confusing your choices are. There are too many forced separations in the Katz family without piling on an estrangement. </p><p> </p><p>***</p><p> </p><p>"My sister is an idiot."</p><p> </p><p>I scowl at my sister for the unkind comment but do not immediate interject. Becca's appetite is fickle at best and if teasing me keeps her eating than I am all for it. Maggie was so wonderful to bring over foods to tempt chemo suppressed taste buds. The selections of light snacks and smoothies are gentle on both stomachs and the thrush in the month. Samual is always swaying with relief at how much she is managing to keep down and almost enjoy. He is a good match for my sister, even if the connection was early and boarding on a truly arranged marriage. </p><p> </p><p>"I try not to make a habit of disagreeing with a pregnant woman, much less a Katz. However, your sister is many many things but she is not a stupid person. There are journal articles, students and babies to prove the fact" Maggie argues as she nibbles on a berry. </p><p> </p><p>"There is are different kinds of smart. For instance, Sydney blows up her entire life, gets people gossiping for years and endures Moma's speeches about curses. She burns every conceivable bridge but refuses to do <em> anything  </em>with the supposed 'freedom'." Rebecca disagrees </p><p> </p><p>"Babies hardly keep a schedule..." Maggie is adorable in her habit of always defending me, even without cause. </p><p> </p><p>"Stop talking now you don't need to defend Dr Katz to me. My sister fell in love with you in about 18 seconds. Instead of acting on such feelings, she sulks in the corner and doodles love hearts in the margins of notes, she is pretending not to read. I swear it's like watching the worst Shidduch dance in the history bad Jewish television." Rebecca is warming to her subject. </p><p> </p><p>Everything slows in that precise moment. While it's not uncommon for people to lose filters after chemo and decide honesty is the best policy, seeing the phenomenon in a family member is another thing entirely. The silver lining is that. Her lecture is the most I have heard my sister speak in months. Her energy and hope must be returning in equal measure, which is wonderful but mortifying evidently. </p><p> </p><p>"I would never mess with your notes Becca. There is the a whole process. A relelitive shouldn't prescribe anything even an over the counter painkiller. " I object almost instinctively. </p><p> </p><p>"I don't think that was the main pain here, Syd but that's good to know but for future projects." Maggie points out with no small amount of shock in her voice.</p><p> </p><p>"We are going to go now and leave you to talk like compitent adults. I'll be challenge but put those ten degrees between you to good use. " Rebecca announces. </p><p> </p><p>Maggie is gracious enough to wait until Samual gently guides his wife towards their bedroom. Privacy is something of an illusion in such a small house, but everyone will keep up the pretence for dignity's sake. My hands' flitter as I clean away the plates and remaining food. Maggie wordlessly guides me out onto the tiny piece of land my brother in calls a garden. </p><p> </p><p>For the second time, my future will reside with a conversation with my sister in the background. She has almost as much emotional investment in the outcome. </p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Becca</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>"You can change or stay the same, there are no rules to this thing. We can make the best or the worst of it. I hope you make the best of it. And I hope you see things that startle you. I hope you feel things you never felt before. I hope you meet people with a different point of view. I hope you live a life you're proud of. If you find that you're not, I hope you have the courage to start all over again."  </span>
  </em>
  <span>F Scott Fitsgerald </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Whether a man be strong or weak, rich or poor, wise or foolish, depends mostly on circumstances that surround him from the time of his birth, but whether a man be good or bad, righteous or wicked, depends on his own free will.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>—The Talmud</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The Katz Family has always possessed terrible timing. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Before words like multiple miscarriages and metastasised cancer were part of my everyday vocabulary, the fact was something of a joke. The time Jerry was cautioned by the Mounties on the same day as a burial or no less than three cell phones going off at our wedding reception. The stakes got higher as we got older, but the central truth remains the same. Mother was wrong to assign all the blame to Sydney (though her 'coming out' was spectacularly bad timing) the Katz Family has been doing this in one way or another for years.  </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>If I know my sister (even this version of her), it will take her several minutes to get to the point. No doubt she is easing into the conversation by lamenting my digestive habits or something. Syd looks like she wanted to do just about anything except having an honest discussion with Maggie Lin. I will her to summon the courage of her convictions, I am not sure how to pray in this situation, but I do mouth the words on instinct anyway. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>"Rivka, I don't feel well." Samual calls out to me. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I whirl around and face Samual, my attention diverted from the happenings in the garden. Calling for Sydney is instinctive as he starts to sway and lose all the colour. Samual was unusually quiet after lunch and hadn't been feeling well for the past few days. If there weren't so many doctors hanging around our place already, I would have insisted he see someone. The Katz Family Circus proves too much of a distraction, and I didn't follow up with him sooner. My husband is sensible enough to lean against the wall for support, knowing that I wouldn't be in a position to break a fall. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>"What's wrong?" Sydney barks out the question like I'm one of her students. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Sydney and Maggie fly into the room (as if they were looking for an excuse deflect from the conversation). Maggie crunches down and starts asking Samual to describe his symptoms. Syd goes for the medical bag she keeps in the car. Samual is weak and shaky, but he manages to response in the right way and gracefully accepts a glass of water. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>"I'm sorry for the fuss, Maggie. Don't know what came over me, I was fine one minute and going to meet the floor in the next." Samual tries to sit up </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>"At this rate, we are going to offering a Freidman Family Discount, have you fainted before? Any history of issues with your blood pressure." Maggie asks, keeping her tone light and easy. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>"If there were official diagnostic criteria for Cancer Caregiver Fatigue Syndrome you would on show as proof of concept. When was the last time you slept for more than four hours per night?" Sydney lectures as coaches on the other side with a blood pressure machine.  </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>"I am feeling much better and it will be easier to sleep at home." Samual whispers gratefully closing his eyes with a weary sigh. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>"Of course you feel better, you idiot, your nervous system isn't fighting against gravity now." Sydney berates him in Hebrew sounding scarily like our grandmother. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Once the initial panic wears off, and both doctors are confident that Samual will recover quickly, I marvel at their teamwork. Sydney doesn't need to say a word for Maggie to anticipate her needs; it goes beyond the shared knowledge of medicine. Sydney rarely talks about her work or students specific. However, Maggie Lin came up in every second or third conversation. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>They were the same way in my hospital room when trying to control the waves of pain. These two might not have the words for each other yet, but the connection is forming in the silence. Sydney is murmuring a prayer or proverb that I can't quite catch, but it makes her patient smile and relax. Samuel could talk about scripture all day. The rest of the Katz family may not know it yet, but they can still be proud of their daughter, who is a Jewish doctor. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I am about 15 years too late, but I'm going to do better by her. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>***</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I still know my sister and that reality is a profound relief, even if she remains incredibly aggravating.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>As both Maggie and Sydney predict my husband is fine. The overly attentive caregiver forgets important things like looking after himself in the process. He needs a round of fluids and firm instructions to let our relatives take over some of the domestic duties. It's largely a preventative measure so that he can continue to look after the baby and me. Zach Miller, the doctor on duty, agrees to discharge us without delay. My sister and Maggie need more intensive intervention. Waiting for Samuel to finish his discharge papers is a good time to get a sense of the situation. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I will always struggle to understand how my sister identifies and the types of intimacy that can exist between two women. However, I don't need any special insights into this world to read Sydney Katz and her transparent longings. She moves around her fellow doctor with tenderness and reserve as if one false move could destroy the delicate balance in their dance. They are both scrumptiously professional in the hospital, but body language is often more telling. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>"You haven't talked to Maggie yet, have you?" </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>"I talked to her just not in the way you imagine; there are years of issues to work through. She needs to 'process' things." Syd says the quote nervously. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>"Samuel getting sick was the perfect excuse for you to run away and hide like a hermit crab, wasn't it?" I ask, trying to coax her into a smile. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>"Medicine is straight forward in comparison to navigating person relationships; that's probably the only thing that medical dramas get right in the end. Having a life and saving lives are complex things to balance. Maggie has no reason to trust the fact I am staying. Disappointing and disrespecting people is my standard operating procedure every since Neshma." Sydney points out with a resigned shrug. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>"I didn't realise that turning 33 makes you incapable of change or personal growth, Syd. There was plenty of blame to go around in those early years, including me." </span>
</p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>
  <span>***</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>"I need you to help me put some ghosts to rest and visit an old friend."</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I love my husband for many reasons, too many to name in any language. Contrary to what Sydney believes our parents and the matchmaker are not responsible for our marriage. Sure, they did the paperwork. But I <em>knew </em>he was and is my Beshert long before there was any inference. The trials and tribulations over the last few years have brought us closer.</span>
</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I am exaggerating the case slightly Neshama, and I were never close friends. She was older and on the edge of rebelling, even if we didn't know why at the time. I didn't want to see beyond the horizons of raising a child in our community. Sydney was the one who would trail after Neshma like she hung the moon. However, there is a shared connection from growing up together with so many common experiences. Neshama may slam the door in my face, but there are depressingly few people who can guide us in this situation. Samuel knows most of the same people, so it doesn't take him long to link. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>"Where are we going and how far? Keep in mind we are both under strict medical supervision and your sister scares me a little." Samuel points as he washes the last of the breakfast dishes. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>"Sydney is still carrying the wounds from years ago. Spending so much time with our parents is breaking into focus for her. Talking to Neshma just might help her ease the pain enough to consider a future with Maggie." </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>"and Neshma will intervene in way, even though she carries such pain herself?" Samuel asks dubiously. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>"Montreal is only a train ride away. If she slams the door in our faces we can have a holiday for the day and visit your cousin. Our doctors would approve of the relaxation." </span>
</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>
  <span>***</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>"Are you ready to go in?" </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I put on a brave face and nod, the constant kicking of my healthy child, gives me courage. Truthfully, my skin is crawling with apprehension and the disapproval of my ancestors. Reformist and more secular-leaning Jewish traditions are foreign to me, but the person in that building is not. It didn't take much detective work to track down Neshma and Ruth. Their advocacy work in the community is common knowledge. Ruth is a member of a prominent family with several influential Rabbi. Fortunately, her office hours are on the website. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>"If I waited until I was ready we wouldn't have left the station. We need to pretend that I have a plan beyond playing the protective sister." I offer a week smile </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>"I am here with you. Whatever happens we will get through this together."</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I was sincere in my desire to reconnect with Neshama and her new life. However, our youthful friendship did not end on good terms, either. She may not wish to see one Katz sister over the other. I witnesses what her mother and father did just as much as Sydney. If not more so, Sydney did not sleep for days after confessing to Neshma's mother. The events did not affect me in any meaningful way. I will also talk to her alone; it is not Samuel’s place to interfere directly. </span>
</p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>
  <span>***</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>"Welcome to the Jewish..."</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>"Hello Neshma, its lovely to see you again." </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The woman in front of me blinks in surprisingly clearly not expecting recognition on a first-name basis. She wouldn't have family in the region. She likely recognises the pitch of my accent and intonation with her name. I will look different now that I'm not wearing traditional clothing. Neshma seems happy and well, nothing like the terrified teen I remember. She smiles easily with the other customers. There is a wedding ring on her finger that confirms her marriage.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>"Rebecca Katz, what are you doing here." Neshama sounds both shocked and hostile. Strangely she reminds me of Syd at that moment. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>"Its Freidman now, but I need your help. Syd is tying herself in knots, and in many ways, she is still the 17-year-old kid at the ice cream parlour." I keep my voice quiet, but she still bristles. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>"You married Samuel than?" Neshama asks as she ushers me to a quieter corner. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>"I don't know what you want from me, Rebecca. We aren't Catholics and I certainly can't be Syd's confessor!" the whisper is bitter and frustrated. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Everything about Neshema radiates hostility and defensiveness, not even the presence of her toddler daughter can soothe her. Truthfully, I am not comfortable here either, the memories of her 'Shiva' are still part of my teenage landscape. I must tread a fine line between understanding her reluctance and getting the point across. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>"Because what happened to you, what I was complicit with was unforgivable, I'm only just beginning to realise how severe the consequences, what I'm trying to say that there are more than one way to face torment, Neshma. Do you want to know the pence my sister faced for close to 20 years, while you were building a new life?" </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>"I have a feeling you are going to tell me regardless." </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>"Sydney wasn't a good secret keeper. Everybody new or suspected why she was following you that day. My mother's life mission from that day was to mould Syd into a daughter who didn't get massive crushes on other girls. I was a silent witness as she twisted herself into knots and accepted an engagement to try and please us." I blink away tears </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>"Rivka.." </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>"A lesbian Katz daughter bears the blame for the following. a) three of my four miscarriages b) a cousin's drunkenness c) my cancer diagnosis with the strongest of my pregnancies. According to mother, she is the living embodiment of an ayin <em>hara."  </em>I am in danger of rambling. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>"Oh Rivka I am ao sorry your burdens are so heavy." </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>"My failings as a sister is one of the few burdens that I can lift, will you help me?" I sound a little desperate, but so be it. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>***</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>"I don't hate her you know. I spent years trying but having our little girl helps to keep everything in perspective. "</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>"You haven't changed that much, Neshmia. Hatred isn't in your makeup, holding a grudge but not hatred." </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>This version of Neshma I am more familiar with, the calm and generally happy older girl who was a friend to everyone. She wasn't expecting to see ghosts from her past in the Jewish Learning Centre, but manners win out. We are sitting in her office now talking. My husband gets lost in the library, learning about this other version of our faith. Less than six months ago, the idea of embracing other forms of Judaism would feel impossible but not anymore. My healthy, kicking baby is living proof change can be a good thing and a gateway to a miracle.  </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>"Will you talk to Syd for me? Help her put aside some the pain and start living as a 33rd year old woman and not a guilty teen, caught in the shadow of a Shiva?" I am pleading and sound dramatic, but the words are truthful. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>"Somebody couldn't to see Mommy, I hope you don't..." </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The woman who barges in without an invitation is easily recognisable as Ruth. Her picture is all over Neshema's desk. The idea of a lesbian wedding, let alone one of faith is still strange to me. However, nobody could fail to see the joy these two arrivals bring. Neshama hurries around, scoops the baby into her arms. I feel a pang of envy that her baby is already here. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>"Oh I'm sorry, I didn't realise you were in a meeting. We can always come back later." Ruth offers with a sheepish smile. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>"Ruth, this is Rebecca an old friend from home. Becca this is my wife Ruth and daughter, Sarah." Neshama emphasises the term to try and gauge my reaction. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>"Shalom Rebecca and mazel tov on your forthcoming baby. You look familar, are you new to Friday classes?" Ruth asks in rapid-fire sequence. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>"Strong genes. My sister is Sydney Katz." I supply the information with a level of trepidation.  </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>"You are related to Sydney Katz and you are sitting in Nesh's office, calmly drinking tea?" Ruth asks the question in an unusual octave that makes me smile. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>"I was hardly going to kick her out in the middle of winter and 20 weeks pregnant, Ruth. Becca and I are getting along fine and Sarah may have a playmate in a few months." Neshama defends herself </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>"You have a wonderful centre here, extremely informative. My husband is contemplating buying the entire reference section or at least as much as we can carry back on the train." I compliment the other woman, sincerely. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>***</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>"We are making a trip next month and you are going to talk to Sydney Katz, calmly and politely."</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>It amuses me that Ruth comments with absolutely no room for negotiation. I am not entirely comfortable in the presence of the lesbian couple who identify as Jewish. However, Ruth is scrupulously polite and respectful, so I feel myself start to relax as we share more tea and light lunch. Samuel isn't entirely certain of his role here, but he wants to support me in case things get hostile. It doesn't take long to update Ruth on the situation with Sydney and Maggie, less time for her to form definite opinions about a possible course of action. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>"Ruth..there is daycare to consider. Putting aside the fact I am likely the last person Sydney wants to see in her hour of vulnerability, our life is here." Neshama insists stubbornly not looking up from her cup. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>"Nesh, I may be from a loving and accepting family, but I was with you during those first days, the pain, confusion and despair. Pouring all that lingering resentment onto a 17-year-old kid who was just as terrified, is eating at you. Healing can go both ways now to have a healthy daughter thanks to somebody who was once a friend and is in pain now." Ruth lectures with passion and conviction. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Neshama looks properly humbled, and I suspect my words about Sydney's experiences as a teenager struck a cord. Likely, she never considered exactly way the person who worshipped the ground she walked on gave away her secrets in such a public and profound way. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>"Besides, Maggie Lin was wonderful to me while you were in recovery. If she is in hurting with this, then let's do our bit. The fact both these woman saved our daughter should count ofr something in the end." </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>"I promise I wasn't going to use the 'Baby Miracle Worker' Card, Syd loathes the notion." I interject solemnly. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>"Well that's my prerogative as the person who was at the other end of the operating room." </span>
</p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>
  <span>***</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>"Thank you for coming with me, Darling."</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Samuel shrugs and settles the shawl more firmly around my shoulders. Fortunately, the latest rounds of chemo aren't as harsh, and I can almost regulate my body temperature. I still find his doting attention comforting, especially when there were so many reasons for him to leave a barren wife a scandalous family. If I could describe Samuel in one word, it would be steadfast. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Samuel shrugs as if he wants to swat away the compliment before I get too effusive in public. His thinking is black and white in the best way. In his mind, if we were not going to have the traditional marital progression to children, then we need to trust in the new systems that can make it happen. Samuel’s faith is that God loves us and wants us to thrive using whatever instruments, even my lesbian sister. His words to my parents weren't hollow; no person of faith can function in modern society; following the tenets, we need to accommodate a new system of people. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>"Do you think your sister will listen or will she remain too fearful of the mistakes in the past?" the question is neutral, but my husband looks worried. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>"I think it will be a combination of both. The deciding factor will be whether Sydney can forgive herself, not the reconciliation with Neshhma. Nesh is simply the instrument."</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>"Our new world is a good deal more complicated than planning for the next Sabbath or holiday." Samuel muses.  </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>While we didn't have the holiday working towards family unity is comforting in its way. The intervention goes some way to making us even, far more than the Shabat Candle Episode. Samual is starting to fall asleep against my shoulder, and the normal weight makes me smile. Our son is kicking a familiar soft rhythm against my free hand. With both luck and faith, he will grow up to know his aunt as a happy and whole person. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>***</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>"You still haven't talked to her, have you?" </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Maggie jumps when I speak even though I wasn' making any effort to be quiet. Predictably she is lost in her medical notes while waiting for me to arrive for lunch; theoretically, we here to discuss co-design of a paper on caring for mothers with strong religious affiliations or something. Maggie Lin is my sister's protegee and tends to get lost in medical explanations, though with fewer words. If my body and babies are going to go through this terrible fight to survive, then I will tell the story. Far too much stigma exists around pregnancy loss even amongst the people that should know best. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I am happy to contribute to the greater understanding in this area. There are plenty of Orthodox women with complex health conditions or pregnancies who struggle to navigate the hospital system. At the same time, the request to work together feels like a golden opportunity to mend some fences. I am mildly irritated than that my intervention with the family isn't baring fruit as yet. Syd is still hiding in the shadows, and Maggie is waiting in a strange holding pattern. Neshama and Ruth will be here in three days, but they aren't solely responsible for shepherding this miracle. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>"Oh no, Syd and I are in constant communication, sometimes hourly. The sticker is none of these conversations extends beyond babies and berry smoothies to increase your appetite." Maggie offers with surprising honesty. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>"I am eating plenty and Samual is resting full 7 hours before you add that to the list." I assure her quickly. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>"There is well, and then there is healthy enough by Sydney Katz's highly exacting standards. If only our relationship were so easy to monitor and keep viable." </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>"The fact she almost kissed you outside my hospital room wasn't enough of a starting point." the casual discussion of such intimacy still feels strange. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>"You saw that, huh? Sadly no, your sister and I are experts at kissing without clarifying details. It's practically our speciality. It's funny, repairing your abdomen and rebuilding a cancer-free environment was almost easy in comparison to tell your sister she is all I've thought about for three years, to the detriment of other relationships." Maggie sounds on the verge of tears. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>"If it helps with your processing at all. I know nothing about medicine or Sydney's work, but I could recite your life and professional story, chapter and verse. Right down to how you like the instrument trays. I wasn't joking about the whole falling in love in less than a minute comment. She was muttering knitting you better socks and gloves because you always look cold, Jewish fussing at its finest from our great rebel." I rat my sister out with minimal guilt. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>"That's adorable and only a touch controlling." Maggie says affectionately. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>"My sister in nutshell for you." </span>
</p><p> </p><p> </p>
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